Today, Patrick and (guest writer) Sarah Singer are discussing Legion of Superheroes 0, originally released September 19, 2012. Legion of Superheroes 0 is part of the line-wide Zero Month.

Patrick: Comics – especially superheros comics – have an awful lot of bullshit working against them. For 90% of the comics I read, I reach a point where I just swallow hard and accept the fact that this is the kind of story I’m reading. It’s an extra-special form of suspension of disbelief. And more often than not, my faith in the storytellers is rewarded; comics are all the more satisfying when you have to go out on a limb and trust that the ride you’re on is worth taking. But sometimes the cost of admission is too high, even for good-humored nerds like me. When such nonsense is supported by 20 pages of awkward dialogue and interchangeably bland characters, the result is disastrous. I’ve read a lot of comics I don’t like, but I so seldom read anything this pointless and obtuse. Zero month is about sampling everything – I’m going to spit this one into my napkin, and try another bite of the Batman.

Sometime in the 31st century, Cosmic Boy, Lighting Lad, Phantom Girl and Ultra Boy travel to the planet Colu to stop a rampaging swarm of giant robotic insects. ENGAGE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF. The team dispatches the killer robots, but that’s when the real problems begin. These new problems require a little backstory, so hang with me. Colu is the home-planet of the original Brainiac. Brainiac, as you may well know, was a super-intelligent intergalactic super villain responsible for shrinking and bottling cities, and generally making Superman’s job more difficult. All of Brainiac’s technology has been laying dormant on Colu for hundreds of years, but today (of all days), the weaponry springs to life and wreaks further havoc. In the commotion, the only child of Colu is put in danger. Phantom Girl saves the child while Ultra Boy hurls the Brainiac war-machine into space. That threat neutralized, Brainiac’s teenage ancestor (who goes by the moniker “Brainiac 5,” because they’re the smartest creatures in universe) joins up with Legion as they speed back to Earth.

Oh, and it turns out Brainiac 5 activated the old Brainiac technology because of course he did.

I find these characters frighteningly boring. Look, I don’t need every superhero to have revolutionary superpowers, but these guys are dull X-men rip-offs. And I could totally deal with future-Magneto if only I had any indication of his personality. Paul Levitz populates these pages with speech bubbles and voice-over boxes that are more interested how these powers work than how these characters work. The biggest offender (and a pretty good barometer for moronic this title is) is Ultra Boy. Ultra Boy has a handful of super powers, but he can only tap into them one at a time: he can’t fly with super strength; he can’t be invulnerable while using his super-speed. Multiple times throughout this issue, Ultra Boy says to himself “change superpower… now!” It’s a false obstacle – he’s never going to be unable to switch his powers on time.

It’s just not interesting. “C’mon now, fly.” Doesn’t mean anything. “C’mon now, get over your anxieties about performing feats of heroism on the other side of the universe and earn the respect of your team” – that’d be a character moment. You might learn something about this guy. Every single one of the Legionnaires is introduced with a text box listing their real name, their home planet and their powers. This is literally all there is to know about them. They’re action figures, and this issue is little more than Levits and artist Scott Kolins playing with their toys. The solution to the revitalized Brainiac machine problem – making Ultra Boy hurl the thing into space – is impossibly childish. To break out of Earth’s atmosphere and establish orbit around the planet, a spacecraft needs to be moving at 17,500 miles per hour. I know Ultra Boy has super strength, but seriously, how fucking strong can this guy possibly be?

This issue’s title is “Brainiac’s Original Sin,” but the reveal that he fired up the ol’ murder machines comes in the final two panels and is presented without context. Maybe the rest of this series could put a little emotional heft behind this decision, but this issue couldn’t be bothered to make that any more than an 11th hour revelation. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that a comic explore the desperation or ambition (or whatever) that drives Brainiac 5 to this decision.

What’d you think, Sarah? I’m sure there’s a case to be made for just having fun in a comic book, but I found the stupid just too glaring to ignore. Maybe there’s a genre-thing happening here, and what’s on the page is actually charming homage, but if so, it’s lost on me.
Sarah: Back in the ‘ol college days, I spent a lot of my time reading. Truth be told, this read was probably assigned to me for the purpose of regurgitation on an upcoming exam, but what I enjoyed the most were classes that specifically required of me to ask thoughtful questions of my reading assignment and propose possible answers. Clearly, that’s why I became an English major. In this instance, I put the issue down ready to dismiss it completely, but then, as a good English major would, I picked it back up and started asking questions. Otherwise, I’d have just wasted 20 minutes of my weekend. So please excuse me if I’m reading too much into a simple Brainiac backstory, but it’s all I can do to say something other than “I agree with Patrick.” I wanted to at least have some fun writing about the issue if I didn’t have any fun reading it.

That said, I agree with your breakdown of the story and its characters (if you can even call them that). As you said, they are really just a short list of facts including their superhero name, pseudonym, home planet and abilities. Isn’t that who we all are at heart? A list of four facts? I’d like to believe that we do get a little more insight into Brainiac’s origin story, but it will take some doing to extract from this issue.

You mentioned the abrupt reveal of Brainiac opening the vault in the last two panels. I, too, was frustrated by absolutely no context, but I think this is at least one place to look for some substance. Those last two panels do a few things that in the least, I hope, help inform Brainiac’s character in other Legion issues. To see Brainiac do something so bad (like release Great-Grandpa’s War Machine on his home planet) and then struggle with not being able to forgive himself – them’s the makings of a good villain (or hero). To boot, it leaves Brainiac in a gray area, where we’re not sure which he is. Ultimately, we leave Colu at the end of the issue, without any foreshadowing of the repurcussions of the open vault, or any backstory about what the vault is. If we don’t get it anywhere else, I can at least take away that Brainiac can’t forgive himself for it, and that’s enough to make a villain (or hero) out of anyone.

I keep saying “(or hero)” because I like my heroes with a little villain in ‘em, and vice versa. And yeah, Brainiac did save that little green baby (awwwww…) from inside the weapon, or vault, or whatever. That’s another thing — the baby’s inside a weapon of mass destruction?! That’s dumb. Don’t put your important babies inside your weapons. They might get launched into space by super-strong teenagers! Or worse! It’s tactlessly explained that the green guys live for a long time, and this is the first baby born since Brainiac, so the baby’s, like, totally important and stuff. And when they find the baby, there’s more weirdness. Phantom Girl asks if she should “ex–” and Brainiac brushes her off. Then in the next panel, “Right, so…” and Brainiac cuts them off.

Why so abrupt? I can only assume it’s because there’s a secret I’m not privy to. Again, I hope the mysterious baby pays off for the devotees, otherwise we’re left with Brainiac acting secretive for no reason. In this issue, we get two panels with the baby in them, two panels devoted to explaining how imortant the baby is, and that’s it. I’d like to think that some of Brainiac’s guilt involves that little green baby, because that’s at least something to tie the kid in with Brainiac in a meaningful way.

Now, if a planet full of green guys, who I assume are also wicked-smaaaahrt, can’t foresee bad things happening at the hands of the “heir to our ancient overlords” (who made these weapons in the first place), then they deserve what’s coming. For being so smart, they sure did leave a baby in that WMD. They’re also so stupid that when shit starts going down they call some teenagers, that they already seem to mistrust, to punch the metal insects. Great idea, green guys!

Also, anyone have any explanation for what’s going on here?

Sarah, aka Symphony Orchestra Fundraiser Extraordinaire, lives in Los Angeles, though her homeworld is the midwest. Her abilities include avoiding spoilers, Chicago Cubs fandom, and solving expert-level sudokus. But, like Ultra Boy, she is only able to use one at a time.

For a complete list of what we’re reading, head on over to our Pull List page.  Whenever possible, buy your comics from your local mom and pop comic bookstore.  If you want to rock digital copies, head on over to DC’s website and download issues there.  There’s no need to pirate, right?